My therapist and a few other people have said: "If your mother's facebook posts annoy you that much, then why don't you block her? You just keep going back for more."
Well...two reasons:
(1) it is kind of an "early warning system" as to what she is starting to obsess about, and what she is going to try to throw at us next. We have a better idea if it is wise to just flat out ignore her, or if maybe....just maybe...it could be an actual problem ...and we might want to answer the phone.
(2) anytime I sit around thinking "Gosh and golly gee, maybe I am being mean. Maybe I am exaggerating all this...." I can go look at her recent posts and think: "Nope...still bonkers."
And...actually....
(3) I don't have the heart to block her, because that would cause her to not be able to see updates and photos of the grandkids. Since she is working on being helpless, she already only sees them about twice a year...even though she lives 30 miles away. If she ever starts inflicting The Wackiness around/to them, though...the blocks will go up fast.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Daily Memory Nugget
One of the things that makes me crazy on a daily basis is my mother's continual desire to be seen as "Poor her."
Her entire goal in life, it seems, is to have people feel sorry for her.
And ya never know what she is going to pick to try to make her life seem pathetic.
Many years ago she convinced several Internet friends that my father would never let her buy any deodorant or underwear (or other personal items for herself.)
Now, in truth, all she had to do was go to the store and buy them.
But that would have required her to do something for herself.
So...in reality...all she had to do was ASK my dad to pick these things up for her when he was at the store.
Did she?
Of course not.
....because it is more pathetic to be able to say she doesn't have any deodorant or underwear -- because her husband won't buy them for her.
She had these Internet friends so convinced that my father would NOT LET her have deodorant or new underwear, that several people actually sent her boxes in the mail -- filled with deodorant and underwear.
And, to her, this was validating.
I call it humiliating.
But she was thrilled, I am sure.
Her entire goal in life, it seems, is to have people feel sorry for her.
And ya never know what she is going to pick to try to make her life seem pathetic.
Many years ago she convinced several Internet friends that my father would never let her buy any deodorant or underwear (or other personal items for herself.)
Now, in truth, all she had to do was go to the store and buy them.
But that would have required her to do something for herself.
So...in reality...all she had to do was ASK my dad to pick these things up for her when he was at the store.
Did she?
Of course not.
....because it is more pathetic to be able to say she doesn't have any deodorant or underwear -- because her husband won't buy them for her.
She had these Internet friends so convinced that my father would NOT LET her have deodorant or new underwear, that several people actually sent her boxes in the mail -- filled with deodorant and underwear.
And, to her, this was validating.
I call it humiliating.
But she was thrilled, I am sure.
I Don't Speak BPD
A $1,000 gift certificate to Cheesecake Factory and a private date with George Clooney will be awarded to the person who can make sense of this text. She sent it to my sister earlier today:
"do I have key to house chris going to renfest of cours if I have emerge Iu won't ander phone eycpp"
What was that?
Did I hear someone say they doubted my prize?
I am offended, I tell you...OFFENDED!
Offended and shocked.
Yeah...that's it....offended and shocked and saddened by your complete lack of trust in me.
(goes to pout in corner)
Never-Ending Nag Story
Professionals and other people dealing with BPD parents keep telling us that the healthy thing to do for my mother...when she is out of control like this.. Is to ignore her.
"ignore her...ignore her...."
Can you ignore a Queen Bee that keeps buzzing in your face, eyes, and ears, and keeps trying to sting you no matter how much you try to pretend it isn't there -- or where you move to?
She will not stop.
With both my sister and I, she keeps texting, she keeps calling, she keeps leaving messages, she keeps emailing, she keeps posting obvious "family is supposed to be there for each other" status updates on Facebook, and then she calls, texts and posts some more.
THIS -- trying to get us to not ignore her -- is her new obsession.
And her obsessions have no bounds, and no definite time limits. They can go on weeks....months.... She is extremely determined. We've seen it before.
Her texts:
"please call"
"please call so my stress will get better..."
"please call me I wouldn't be calling and texting so much if you would give me a call."
"please call me this is killing me"
"please come see me..."
"do you know how much this hurts me and how stress it makes me when u wont call or come see me"
Facebook:
5 minutes ago: Stomach starting to hurt again. scared that my problems might start up again. I just need some of this stress off
28 minutes ago: waiting for phone call so i can sleep
(insert other updates about weather she is also obsessing about)
7 hours ago: MAY I ASK MY FACEBOOK FRIENDS WHEREVER YOU MAY BE, TO KINDLY COPY PASTE & SHARE THIS STATUS FOR 1 HOUR TO GIVE A PRAYER SUPPORT TO ALL THOSE WHO HAVE HEALTH PROBLEMS,STRUGGLING,AND JUST NEED TO KNOW THAT SOMEONE CARES. I HOPE TO SEE THIS ON THE WALLS OF ALL MY FRIENDS! JUST FOR MORAL SUPPORT. I KNOW SOMEONE WILL...GOD BLESS
8 hours ago: Darn it so so tired. going tohave to lay down. Only got about 4 hours sleep again last night and could not go back to sleep with worry and anxiety. Had hoped to try and make it to church Can;t focus. Need things to get better in my life
12 hours ago: Family is supposed be there for you no matter what comes your way. Shame on the ones who are not, that's is not what family is about.
AND A FRIEND RESPONDS (and pisses me off): Yes, your family should always be there for you when you need them. Sometimes the young don't share the same values. Keep your chin up and take care of yourself the best you can. Doesn't sound like family is going to do much for you. So just be like "The Little Engine That Could", and don't expect the help. Then you won't be disappointed when you don't get any. Praying for you!
(insert other misc posts about Facebook games and tropical storms)
Last night: I guess from not being able to nap in days to being able to catch a half hour is progress. Still wish i would get some phone calls or visits
...and keep repeating a cycle of face books posts and emails and texts and calls like above.
For weeks now.
And it WILL continue.
She WILL NOT stop.
"ignore her...ignore her...."
Can you ignore a Queen Bee that keeps buzzing in your face, eyes, and ears, and keeps trying to sting you no matter how much you try to pretend it isn't there -- or where you move to?
She will not stop.
With both my sister and I, she keeps texting, she keeps calling, she keeps leaving messages, she keeps emailing, she keeps posting obvious "family is supposed to be there for each other" status updates on Facebook, and then she calls, texts and posts some more.
THIS -- trying to get us to not ignore her -- is her new obsession.
And her obsessions have no bounds, and no definite time limits. They can go on weeks....months.... She is extremely determined. We've seen it before.
Her texts:
"please call"
"please call so my stress will get better..."
"please call me I wouldn't be calling and texting so much if you would give me a call."
"please call me this is killing me"
"please come see me..."
"do you know how much this hurts me and how stress it makes me when u wont call or come see me"
Facebook:
5 minutes ago: Stomach starting to hurt again. scared that my problems might start up again. I just need some of this stress off
28 minutes ago: waiting for phone call so i can sleep
(insert other updates about weather she is also obsessing about)
7 hours ago: MAY I ASK MY FACEBOOK FRIENDS WHEREVER YOU MAY BE, TO KINDLY COPY PASTE & SHARE THIS STATUS FOR 1 HOUR TO GIVE A PRAYER SUPPORT TO ALL THOSE WHO HAVE HEALTH PROBLEMS,STRUGGLING,AND JUST NEED TO KNOW THAT SOMEONE CARES. I HOPE TO SEE THIS ON THE WALLS OF ALL MY FRIENDS! JUST FOR MORAL SUPPORT. I KNOW SOMEONE WILL...GOD BLESS
8 hours ago: Darn it so so tired. going tohave to lay down. Only got about 4 hours sleep again last night and could not go back to sleep with worry and anxiety. Had hoped to try and make it to church Can;t focus. Need things to get better in my life
12 hours ago: Family is supposed be there for you no matter what comes your way. Shame on the ones who are not, that's is not what family is about.
AND A FRIEND RESPONDS (and pisses me off): Yes, your family should always be there for you when you need them. Sometimes the young don't share the same values. Keep your chin up and take care of yourself the best you can. Doesn't sound like family is going to do much for you. So just be like "The Little Engine That Could", and don't expect the help. Then you won't be disappointed when you don't get any. Praying for you!
(insert other misc posts about Facebook games and tropical storms)
Last night: I guess from not being able to nap in days to being able to catch a half hour is progress. Still wish i would get some phone calls or visits
...and keep repeating a cycle of face books posts and emails and texts and calls like above.
For weeks now.
And it WILL continue.
She WILL NOT stop.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Daily Nugget
Today, for our Memory Nugget, we only venture to the recent past.
This past Christmas as a matter of fact.
Not surprisingly, it is difficult to shop for my mother. Birthdays, Mothers Day, Chistmas are all a stress nightmare of trying to find the gift she'll hate the least.
A couple months before this most recent Christmas she hinted that she thought a great gift for someone older would be a bunch of home-made meals, all frozen and ready to pop in a microwave.
"Ah HA!" I thought carelessly, "she has just told me what she wants for Christmas -- but she thinks I'll never do it! So I'll get to really surprise her!"
I spent the next 6-8 weeks planning meals for my family that I knew were HER favorites, buying extra ingredients, making the kids suffer through stuff they had never before tried, and carefully freezing them into single-servings in disposable Glad-wear type containers. After I had about a months worth of dinners collected, I made a list of all the meals and labeled them.
She didn't take them home Christmas day, but that was ok. I figured I could take them to her house sometime in the next week or so.
I kept asking when I should bring them over, when she suddenly declared that if I wanted to do that I was going to have to clean out her freezer for her -- cause there was no room for that food.
Experienced with my mother as I am, I could see where this was going (I thought). She had decided that I needed to come over, defrost, and clean out the freezer she surely hadn't bothered to clean out in a decade.
I wasn't going to do it.
So I said I didn't have time for that.
(Note that we aren't just talking about going over and spending 15 minutes tossing out expired containers and then wiping it down. Thinking on it, I recalled what she had let happen in the past, and I knew we were talking about an all-day event of defrosting 6 inches of ice with a blow dryer and trying to keep the floor from flooding.)
Weeks went by with the freezer never getting cleaned, cause she wouldn't do it.
(Although, to be honest, since she had been doing nothing but complaining for months about how she had no food in the house, I would like fo know what -- other than brick-thick ice, was taking up all that space in her never-cleaned appliance.)
Cut to: March of this year.
I have been disowned for nearly three months...but still her meals are waiting for her in my downstairs freezer.
Daring to speak to her on Facebook, I posted as much.
She wrote back -- in a post to my sister (cause she couldn't talk to me) -- that she didn't want any of my leftovers...that they didn't cost me anything and took no effort or time on my part.
Sigh.
My dad always used to say that where mother was concerned, unless a gift/favor "inconveniences you in some way, it doesn't count."
Right again, dad.
You'd think at my age I woulda learned.
This past Christmas as a matter of fact.
Not surprisingly, it is difficult to shop for my mother. Birthdays, Mothers Day, Chistmas are all a stress nightmare of trying to find the gift she'll hate the least.
A couple months before this most recent Christmas she hinted that she thought a great gift for someone older would be a bunch of home-made meals, all frozen and ready to pop in a microwave.
"Ah HA!" I thought carelessly, "she has just told me what she wants for Christmas -- but she thinks I'll never do it! So I'll get to really surprise her!"
I spent the next 6-8 weeks planning meals for my family that I knew were HER favorites, buying extra ingredients, making the kids suffer through stuff they had never before tried, and carefully freezing them into single-servings in disposable Glad-wear type containers. After I had about a months worth of dinners collected, I made a list of all the meals and labeled them.
She didn't take them home Christmas day, but that was ok. I figured I could take them to her house sometime in the next week or so.
I kept asking when I should bring them over, when she suddenly declared that if I wanted to do that I was going to have to clean out her freezer for her -- cause there was no room for that food.
Experienced with my mother as I am, I could see where this was going (I thought). She had decided that I needed to come over, defrost, and clean out the freezer she surely hadn't bothered to clean out in a decade.
I wasn't going to do it.
So I said I didn't have time for that.
(Note that we aren't just talking about going over and spending 15 minutes tossing out expired containers and then wiping it down. Thinking on it, I recalled what she had let happen in the past, and I knew we were talking about an all-day event of defrosting 6 inches of ice with a blow dryer and trying to keep the floor from flooding.)
Weeks went by with the freezer never getting cleaned, cause she wouldn't do it.
(Although, to be honest, since she had been doing nothing but complaining for months about how she had no food in the house, I would like fo know what -- other than brick-thick ice, was taking up all that space in her never-cleaned appliance.)
Cut to: March of this year.
I have been disowned for nearly three months...but still her meals are waiting for her in my downstairs freezer.
Daring to speak to her on Facebook, I posted as much.
She wrote back -- in a post to my sister (cause she couldn't talk to me) -- that she didn't want any of my leftovers...that they didn't cost me anything and took no effort or time on my part.
Sigh.
My dad always used to say that where mother was concerned, unless a gift/favor "inconveniences you in some way, it doesn't count."
Right again, dad.
You'd think at my age I woulda learned.
Guilt du jour
Today's guilt email is sponsored by.... Chocolate: the Comfort that keeps on Comforting. Have a chocolate bar or 12 today.
And, the Mother writes.... [Kathy is my sister, I am MJ]
Kathy not sleeping and upset from Mj it seems we pass how sick I am and mn says I could do everything just wanted phone call and still do we also need help and Mj saying she is not going to help u don't think it upsets me and stresses when u won't call me or accept my call we had such a nice visit last mon I had hope u understood u girls have abandoned me and ur brother. Kathy please call me
Let the chocolate consumption begin!
*******
Here are my suggested responses (which she would promptly ignore):
(1) f*ck off
(2) mj suggested an outing to the mall with the kids,and said she hoped you would be a part of Sammy's birthday. I dont see how that is abandoning you. She simply stated we will not do things the doctors say you should do for yourself, and that we will no longer play a part in crying/screaming/obsessive drama. If you think THAT is abandoning you, then that is your decision. We didn't say that. You did. You are making the choice that we either have to do everything you want, when you want it,and how you want it -- or we are abandoning you. Your choice.
(3). F*ck off
(4). Any doctor you talk to will tell you that the only reason you are bedridden is because you have decided to be bedridden. Yes, movement may hurt....but that is part of getting older and you need to do it anyway. Everyone else does. EVERYONE has pain and various medical issues. Doctors and nurses have told you this. You just dont want to hear it, so you don't listen and remember.
(5) f*ck off
(6) how come after months of being disowned, the ONLY thing that will decrease your stress level is for me to call you? You broke contact, not me. I am not responsible for your stress level. If you need help managing your stress, perhaps you should see a therapist of some sort. I will help you find one and make the appointment if you want.
(7) f*ck off
(8). Any combination of the above
Monday, August 29, 2011
Today's Obsession Chart
Mother has been working overtime today on Facebook.
From morning to now, her concerns/obsessions are as follows:
(times are approximate)
It is also interesting to note that NO ONE commented on any of her updates. All her Facebook friends are obviously over it.
10:00am: She says she is having "health issues" again today. For unknown reasons she also declares she doesn't want to unpack her medications (you know, the ones she packed in case she had to flee from Hurricane Irene). Also "family concerns" keep her stressed. This of course refers to the fact we are no longer playing her game -- and she has no idea what to do about it.
11:00am: Time to worry about her blood sugar levels. And a reference to the fact that "other people" have made mistakes with insulin shots and, luckily for them, had someone around to call 911. This is not a simple statement. It is a warning to my sister and I that if she has a problem with her diabetes, we will be to blame -- cause we weren't there.
11:00am(ish): Now she worries that if power goes out, she will lose her landline phone.
11:00am(ish)(again): She comments on how other people are without power. Seems relatively harmless until she gets to the part about how some of those people are with family or friends. This is a reminder to us (daughters) that she was not at one of our houses during the non-event (for her) was Hurricane Irene. (She didn't even lose power.)
12:00noon: More comments on how she is afraid to unpack her meds and such, followed by a mention of an earthquake aftershock she didn't feel.
2:00pm: Since she can't obsess about not having power herself, she has decided to do it for unknown others. She says it could be weeks before they get power back, etc etc etc yada yada yada and that if gas stations are out of power people can't get gas for generators.
2:00pm(ish): She now posts several news links about hurricane damage.
4:00pm: She now needs to post about notifications she is getting that street lights in the area are out. Since it is unlikely she is going anywhere, I am not sure why this worries her, personally.
4:00pm(ish): Back to her health. She is getting extremely tired, and hopes it passes, she says ominously.
7:00pm: She sent an email announcing that a tropical storm could be forming in the same place Irene formed. She guesses we have 5-7 more days. Translation: 5-7 more days of a brand, spankin new thing to obsess about.
From morning to now, her concerns/obsessions are as follows:
(times are approximate)
It is also interesting to note that NO ONE commented on any of her updates. All her Facebook friends are obviously over it.
10:00am: She says she is having "health issues" again today. For unknown reasons she also declares she doesn't want to unpack her medications (you know, the ones she packed in case she had to flee from Hurricane Irene). Also "family concerns" keep her stressed. This of course refers to the fact we are no longer playing her game -- and she has no idea what to do about it.
11:00am: Time to worry about her blood sugar levels. And a reference to the fact that "other people" have made mistakes with insulin shots and, luckily for them, had someone around to call 911. This is not a simple statement. It is a warning to my sister and I that if she has a problem with her diabetes, we will be to blame -- cause we weren't there.
11:00am(ish): Now she worries that if power goes out, she will lose her landline phone.
11:00am(ish)(again): She comments on how other people are without power. Seems relatively harmless until she gets to the part about how some of those people are with family or friends. This is a reminder to us (daughters) that she was not at one of our houses during the non-event (for her) was Hurricane Irene. (She didn't even lose power.)
12:00noon: More comments on how she is afraid to unpack her meds and such, followed by a mention of an earthquake aftershock she didn't feel.
2:00pm: Since she can't obsess about not having power herself, she has decided to do it for unknown others. She says it could be weeks before they get power back, etc etc etc yada yada yada and that if gas stations are out of power people can't get gas for generators.
2:00pm(ish): She now posts several news links about hurricane damage.
4:00pm: She now needs to post about notifications she is getting that street lights in the area are out. Since it is unlikely she is going anywhere, I am not sure why this worries her, personally.
4:00pm(ish): Back to her health. She is getting extremely tired, and hopes it passes, she says ominously.
7:00pm: She sent an email announcing that a tropical storm could be forming in the same place Irene formed. She guesses we have 5-7 more days. Translation: 5-7 more days of a brand, spankin new thing to obsess about.
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